Emergency Plan F Read online

  "Connor won't mind if you spend $130 on a bikini?"

  I laughed. "For a second it sounded like you said $130. What's it really? $30?"

  Phoenix pointed to the price tag on the bikini on the mannequin. It really was $130.

  "I can't let you get me a $130 bikini. But I'll be happy to help you look for some."

  "Oh come on, would it make you feel better if I let you model it on my YouTube channel? That way it won't feel like a gift."

  "No! I feel uncomfortable enough even trying it on, I couldn't even imagine letting you film me in it."

  "But you look amazing in it. It's like that bikini was made specifically for your body."

  The conversation was starting to get awkward so I shut the door to the changing room and got back into my normal clothes. Phoenix was looking at a few bikinis nearby when I emerged.

  "Alright," she said. "Let's find me some bikinis and then we can get some dinner. I'm starving."

  Chapter 4

  Connor

  Sean and I put our sledge hammers down and admired the old drywall we had just destroyed. It had cut the basement in half, which Sean had deemed unacceptable for his man cave. He wanted it to be nice and open so that we could sit at a proper distance from the 150 inch TV.

  "Not bad for an hour of work," said Sean.

  "Not bad at all. What's up next?"

  "Let's take a look at the plans." Sean walked over to a card table in the corner. Blue prints of the man cave had been rolled out on top along with a few half empty beers and crumbs from our cheesesteaks. Just like Sean had said, there was a bar, recliner chairs, and a 150 inch TV plotted out. But there was also a section walled off in the corner.

  "What's that?" I asked, pointing to the walled off section.

  "Phoenix doesn't realize it, but I'm going to turn part of the basement into a sound proof film studio for her YouTube channel."

  "You sure you don't just want her to film a porno with you?" I joked.

  "I certainly wouldn't object to that."

  "Have you ever filmed one?"

  Sean shook his head. "No. You? Rosie is certainly hot enough to be a porn star."

  "Rosie would never let me film a porno with her unless she wanted something ridiculous. It seems like the only time we have sex these days is when she wants to buy something stupid."

  "God, I hate that. Phoenix does the same thing. Is it just hardwired into women's brains that they have to only use sex to manipulate us?"

  I laughed. "It sure seems like it."

  "We need to turn the tables on them."

  "How?"

  Sean shook his head and took a sip of his beer. "If I knew that, I would have already done it."

  "What if we refuse to have sex with them until they can't even stand it?" I suggested.

  "I don't think girls get horny. They just pretend to."

  "Alright, here's how this is going to work," I said. "First one to give in and have sex with their wife has to wear a Cowboys jersey to an Eagles game."

  Sean looked shocked. "Shit, you might as well sentence the loser to death."

  "Good point. That could actually be dangerous. First one to give in and have sex with their wife has to wear a Cowboys jersey to watch an Eagles game in this magnificent man cave."

  "That's a lot safer. What about handjobs and blowjobs? Are those allowed?"

  I thought about it for a second. "Girls use those for power too, so they're included."

  "Okay, you're on. By the time we're done, they're going to be begging to have sex with us." Sean held up his beer bottle and toasted, "Here's to not having sex with our wives."

  I grabbed my bottle and clanked it against his. It felt great to rebel against our wives and their sexy tricks. There was only one problem.

  Sean was apparently thinking the same thing as me, because he voiced my concerns. "Alright, so how do we make them super horny?"

  I shook my head. "No idea. Maybe we should send them a picture of us doing something super manly?"

  Chapter 5

  Rosie

  "So...it seems like our husbands have quite the little bromance brewing," said Phoenix. She held up her phone and showed me a picture of Connor and Sean posing shirtless with sledgehammers on top of a pile of broken drywall.

  I laughed. "I can't tell if their trying to be sexy or funny."

  "Let's hope they're trying to be funny. Because if they think that's sexy, that's pathetic."

  I looked down at the beeper in my hand hoping it would go off. I was starving, and Phoenix had promised me that this place had the most amazing crab cakes. Unfortunately everyone else in the city seemed to want the amazing crab cakes too, because the wait time was ridiculous. It also didn't help that the waiting area was surrounded by cages with live lobsters. Usually those freaked me out, but when I was this hungry, the food crawling around just made me more aware of my hunger.

  "God, I'm starving," said Phoenix.

  "Me too. Are you sure we shouldn't just go find another place to eat?"

  "I'm sure. You have to try these crab cakes." Phoenix paused for a second and then asked, "So what do you do?"

  "I'm an author."

  "What kind?"

  "Romance."

  "Oh my God, are you Rosie Steam?"

  "That's my pen name. You've actually heard of me?"

  "Heard of you?! I love your books!"

  Yeah right.

  "Am I being too much of a fangirl if I ask you to sign all my copies when we get home? Or at least my copy of Twisted Love. That book was incredible."

  Wow, maybe she really is a fan. "Well I'm flattered. I'll be happy to sign them for you."

  "When is your next book coming out?" asked Phoenix.

  "If I meet my publisher's deadline, about three months. But I have a horrible case of writer's block."

  I heard a buzzing and looked down, but the beeper wasn't lighting up at all. It was just my phone in my purse. I pulled it out and saw that Connor had sent me a picture of him and Sean drinking beer in the hot tub. I laughed and showed it to Phoenix.

  "Geez, I'm starting to get jealous of what our husbands have going on. I can't believe Sean would go in the hot tub with Connor before he even goes in with me."

  "Tell me about it."

  "You don't think our husbands are gay, do you?" asked Phoenix. It seemed like she was joking but maybe she was a tiny bit serious.

  "No." Not after I saw how excited he got when he saw you today. I wasn't going to elaborate, but it was nice to finally have someone to talk to about this sort of thing. My other friends were all perpetually single so I felt uncomfortable talking to them about marriage problems. "To be honest though, Connor and I are going through a bit of a dry spell right now. That's why I'm having writer's block. It's impossible to write romance when there's so little romance in my real life."

  "It makes me feel so good to hear you say that. Sean and I are in the same situation. It just doesn't seem like he's into me anymore."

  "What is wrong with men?" I asked. "It seems like all they want is sex, and then once they have a wife they just stop wanting it. I tried to have sex with Connor today during his lunch break and he laughed at me."

  "Been there, done that. At first Sean couldn't keep his hands off me every time I got a new outfit or changed up my makeup for my blog, but now he doesn't even notice."

  "Excuse me, ladies," said a lady next to us. She was easily in her late sixties, but that didn't stop her from wearing a low cut pink dress and styling her hair in blue dread locks. "Did I hear you correctly when you said you were having trouble with your husbands?"

  That's none of your damn business, crazy lady.

  "Uh, yeah," said Phoenix. "What about it?"

  "Well, as a professional couples therapist, I thought I might be able to lend you some free advice."

  "Is what we're going through normal?" asked Phoenix.

  "Yes, perfectly normal. I've seen tons of couples go through exactly what you're talking about. It's easy t
o have great sex when you've just met because everything is so fresh and new, but over time that excitement fades. It takes work to keep sex interesting."

  "So what do you suggest we do?"

  "This is going to sound a little crazy, but I promise it works."

  "Just tell us," I said. She may have been nosy and crazy, but she had piqued my interest.

  "You should seduce each other's husbands."

  "What?!" we both said in unison.

  "I know, I know. It sounds insane. But I've prescribed it tons of times and it always works."

  "It is insane," I said. "I'm not going to cheat on my husband."

  "That's fine. But if you don't do something to spice up your sex life, your husband might cheat on you. Wouldn't it be better to have him do it with your friend who you trust won't run away with him?"

  "Yeah, sorry. Not happening," agreed Phoenix. "I can get my husband to have sex with me whenever I want. I'll do it tonight as soon as we get home."

  "Me too," I said. Can I? I tried earlier today and failed miserably.

  "Then I'm sorry I got involved. But if tonight doesn't go as expected with your husbands, don't discount what I said."

  I felt a buzzing in my hand. I looked down and saw the device flashing red and vibrating. Finally. "Crab cake time!"

  "Enjoy your crab cakes," said the crazy lady. "And good luck with tonight."

  We got up and followed the hostess. As we passed the lady, she slipped her business card in my purse.

  Chapter 6

  Connor

  Demolishing the wall had been exhausting and the hot tub was wonderfully relaxing, so afterwards I just went home, took a shower, and lay down on the bed. I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew I was startled awake by a loud knocking on the bedroom door.

  "Open up!" called a woman's voice.

  "Rosie?" I mumbled, still half asleep.

  "This is the police. Open up or we'll break the door down!"

  Holy shit! What is happening? Did Rosie murder Phoenix while they were out? "Hold on, I'll be right there." I looked down and I still just had a towel on from my shower. I scrambled over to the dresser and startled rifling through my clothes in the dark. What time is it even?

  "Three, two..."

  "One second!"

  Too late. The door crashed open and an officer stepped through. She had her gun and flashlight pointed at me. The light was blinding. "Hands up."

  I raised my hands. "What's going on?" I asked. "Is Rosie okay?" My heart was beating out of control. As I stood there, I could feel my towel start to loosen around my hips.

  "You have the right to remain silent," started the officer. Before she could get another line out, gravity got the better of my towel and brought it to my ankles. The officer pointed the flashlight directly at my penis.

  "I'm so sorry. Can I lower my hands slowly to grab some clothes? I have some right here in my dresser."

  "That won't be necessary, sir. I need you to slowly turn around and place your hands flat on the top of your dresser. I'm going to approach you. Please continue to face the wall and don't make any sudden movements."

  I did as instructed. Her heels clicked across the floor as she approached me. "Can you please just tell me what's going on?"

  She ignored my question as she pulled my hands behind my back. A second later I felt the cold metal of handcuffs and heard them click shut. They were way too tight.

  "I received a complaint that you didn't fuck your wife today during lunch. What do you have to say to that?"

  What the fuck? "Rosie?" I started to turn around but the officer grabbed my shoulders and pushed me against the dresser.

  "Sir, if you try to turn around one more time, I'm going to have to suck your cock." The woman reached around and started running her hands down my abs towards my growing erection.

  Okay, this is definitely not a real cop. I wiggled free of her grasp and turned around. She had dropped her flashlight, and my eyes had adjusted to the dark, so I could clearly see it was Rosie. She was wearing the police outfit I had bought her years ago for Halloween, which she looked amazing in. Her tits were practically pouring out of the blue mini dress. She had finished the outfit off with a pair of thigh high leather boots. "Rosie, what are you doing?"

  "Please stand still while I suck your cock."

  She leaned in and started kissing down my chest while her hands wandered towards my erection. Shit, this is hot. But what about my bet with Sean? Damn it. What a horrible day to make that bet.

  "Rosie, what are you doing?"

  She ignored me and kept kissing closer to my cock. It was so hard to not give in and let her blow me. I was about to lean back and enjoy when I realized what she was up to. She probably spent a ton of money with Phoenix and was trying to get me to let her keep whatever she bought. Damn, she almost had me. I had to think quick to get out of it.

  "Come on, stop. I'm too freaked out to do this right now. You had me thinking that I was really being arrested."

  Chapter 7

  Rosie

  I stopped and stood up. "I'm sorry. I thought you'd like it. I know you've always wanted to fuck me in this costume."

  "I do, but I think you took the whole role playing thing a little too seriously. Did you really break our door down?" asked Connor. His erection was fading quickly.

  "No, it seemed like I did though, right? I just opened it a little bit and then kicked it. Same sound, less damage to the door."

  "Ah, nice."

  "So I guess no sex tonight?"

  "Can I take a rain check? I'm a weird mix of tired and freaked out. You really had me going, you know. I thought that was a real gun pointed at me."

  "Yeah, sure," I sighed. That crazy lady was right. I can't get my husband to fuck me. I couldn't believe it. Was my marriage really in trouble? I looked down at my outfit. If this didn't work, what would? I suddenly felt like I wanted to cry. "Let me get changed and I'll come to bed. Sorry I messed tonight up so badly."

  ***

  I woke up feeling the opposite of refreshed. It was well past ten and Connor had left for work hours ago. I had tossed and turned all night thinking about my marriage. My conversation with the sex therapist lady had played over and over again in my head, and it continued to do so as I ate my oatmeal.

  If you don't do something to spice up your sex life, your husband might cheat on you.

  If tonight doesn't go as expected with your husbands, don't discount what I said.

  I liked to think that Connor would have happily fucked me if I had just put the costume on and not taken things so far with the role playing, but I wasn't sure. Maybe the lady was right about everything. It didn't even seem like he was attracted to me anymore. Two rain checks in one day was a new record. And it just added to the dozens I had already received in the previous weeks.

  A knock on the front door startled me. I put my oatmeal down and answered it.

  "Hi," said Phoenix. "Is Connor here?"

  "Nope, he left for work a while ago."

  "Then give me all the juicy details. How'd it go for you last night?" Phoenix walked past me and took a seat at our kitchen island.

  "Terrible." I took a seat and recounted the story for her. As I told it, I realized why Connor had found it terrifying rather than sexy.

  "Whoa, that's intense."

  "Yeah. What about your night?"

  "Well I didn't make Sean think he was going to die, but I didn't get him to have sex with me either. He just said he was too tired."

  "So what should we do?" I asked.

  "I don't know. Do we have to do something?"

  "I think so. I mean, that therapist lady was right about us not being able to seduce our husbands. Doesn't that mean her prediction about them cheating on us might come true?"

  Phoenix looked worried. "Maybe we should call her."

  I rummaged through all the garbage in my purse until I found her business card. "Lulu the couples therapist."

  "Is that seri
ously her name?"

  "Yup." I held the business card out for Phoenix to see. She took it from me and started dialing the number on the card.

  The phone rang for a second and then a familiar voice said, "Hello?"

  Phoenix hit the button for speaker phone and set her phone on the counter. "Hi Lulu, it's Phoenix and Rosie. From last night."

  "Oh, hi, girls. I hope you're calling me to gloat about me being wrong."

  "Unfortunately not," I said. "You were right."

  "That is indeed unfortunate, but like I said last night, this is a common problem and we can definitely fix it."

  "Can you explain exactly how to do that again?" asked Phoenix.

  "Sure. For starters, are you attracted to each other's husbands?"

  "Uh, I guess he's pretty good looking," said Phoenix.

  "Yeah," I agreed. Awkward.

  "Okay, good. And what about your husbands? Do you think they're attracted to the opposite girl?"

  "You mean does my husband like Phoenix?" I asked.

  "Yes."

  "He definitely thinks she's hot," I admitted.

  "Same with my husband. He has a thing for blondes."

  Sean thinks I'm hot?

  "Okay. Do either of you have any STDs?"

  "Nope."

  "No."

  "Good. And do you both want to stay in your marriage and make it work?"

  "Yes," we agreed.

  "Then this is the perfect situation," said Lulu, sounding extremely excited. "We'll have your sex lives back on track in no time."

  "So what do we do?"

  "Well, you girls need to have a contest to see who can get the other girl's husband to sleep with them first."

  "I don't think I'm comfortable with that," I said. We shouldn't have called this lady.

  "Okay, fine. What if you just try to blow them? That's not as extreme and should still work."

  "I don't understand how this does any good," said Phoenix.

  "Have either of you ever had a car battery die on you?"

  "Yes." This keeps getting weirder and weirder.